Hey there, fellow parent! Let’s talk about something that’s not always easy to admit: the urge to control.
Whether it’s micromanaging your child’s homework, dictating their extracurricular activities, or hovering over their every move, many of us have fallen into the trap of being a “controlling parent” at some point. I know I have.
I’ll never forget the time I insisted my son join the soccer team because I thought it would be good for him.
Spoiler alert: he hated it. He spent the entire season miserable, and I spent the entire season feeling guilty.
That experience was a wake-up call for me. It made me realize that my need to control was not only exhausting but also damaging to our relationship.
If you’ve ever felt the pull to control your child’s life, you’re not alone. Parenting is hard, and it’s natural to want the best for our kids.
But what if I told you that letting go of control could actually help you build a stronger, healthier relationship with your child?
So, grab a cup of coffee (or tea, or wine—no judgment here), and let’s dive into this topic together. I’ll share some personal stories, practical tips, and a whole lot of encouragement to help you let go and embrace a more balanced approach to parenting.
What Does It Mean to Be a Controlling Parent?
Being a controlling parent means trying to manage every aspect of your child’s life, often out of fear or a desire to protect them. It can look like:
- Micromanaging their schedule
- Making decisions for them without their input
- Setting overly strict rules without explanation
- Hovering over them (aka “helicopter parenting”)
- Punishing them for not meeting your expectations
I’ll admit, I’ve been guilty of some of these behaviors. For me, it stemmed from a place of love—I wanted to shield my kids from failure, disappointment, and pain.
But over time, I realized that by trying to control their lives, I was robbing them of the chance to learn, grow, and become their own people.
Why Controlling Parenting Can Backfire
While controlling parenting often comes from good intentions, it can have unintended consequences. Here are a few ways it can backfire:
1. It Stifles Independence
When we control every aspect of our child’s life, we don’t give them the opportunity to make decisions, solve problems, or learn from their mistakes. This can lead to dependence and a lack of confidence.
2. It Damages the Parent-Child Relationship
Kids who feel controlled often resent their parents. They may rebel, withdraw, or struggle to trust their own judgment.
3. It Creates Anxiety
Constantly being told what to do and how to do it can make kids feel like they’re never good enough. This can lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, and perfectionism.
I saw this firsthand with my daughter. When she was younger, I was so focused on her getting straight A’s that I didn’t realize how much pressure I was putting on her.
One day, she broke down in tears and said, “I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for you.” That was a gut punch. It made me realize that my need to control was hurting her more than helping her.
How to Let Go of Control and Build Trust
Letting go of control doesn’t mean abandoning your role as a parent. It means shifting from being a manager to being a guide. Here’s how to start:
1. Reflect on Your Motivations
Ask yourself why you feel the need to control. Is it fear? Perfectionism? A desire to protect? Understanding your motivations can help you address the root cause of your behavior.
2. Give Your Child Choices
Instead of making decisions for your child, give them options. For example, “Would you like to do your homework before or after dinner?” This empowers them to take ownership of their choices.
3. Encourage Problem-Solving
When your child faces a challenge, resist the urge to step in and fix it. Instead, ask questions like, “What do you think you should do?” or “How can I support you?”
4. Set Boundaries, Not Rules
Instead of imposing strict rules, set clear boundaries and explain the reasoning behind them. For example, “We don’t use phones at the dinner table because this is our time to connect as a family.”
5. Practice Letting Go in Small Ways
Start by giving your child more responsibility in age-appropriate ways.
For younger kids, this might mean letting them pick out their own clothes. For older kids, it might mean allowing them to manage their own homework schedule.
6. Focus on Connection, Not Control
Spend quality time with your child without an agenda. Play a game, go for a walk, or just sit and talk.
Building a strong connection can help you feel less of a need to control.
My Journey to Letting Go
Letting go of control hasn’t been easy for me. I’m a planner by nature, and I like things to be just so. But over time, I’ve learned that my kids thrive when I give them the space to be themselves.
One of the most rewarding moments came when my son decided to quit soccer and join the school band instead.
I was nervous—what if he regretted it? What if he struggled? But I bit my tongue and supported his decision.
Watching him discover his passion for music was one of the proudest moments of my parenting journey.
The Challenges of Letting Go
Let’s be real: letting go of control is hard. There are days when I still catch myself slipping back into old habits. But I’ve learned to give myself grace. Parenting is a journey, and it’s okay to make mistakes.
The key is to keep trying. When you mess up (and you will), apologize to your child. Say, “I’m sorry I tried to control that.
I’m working on trusting you more.” This not only repairs the connection but also models humility and growth.
The Rewards Are Worth It
The more I’ve let go of control, the more I’ve seen my kids flourish. They’re more confident, more independent, and more willing to take risks.
And honestly, it’s made parenting a lot more enjoyable.
Instead of constantly worrying about what could go wrong, I’m able to focus on the joy of watching my kids grow into their own unique selves.
A Motivational Summary
Parenting is a balancing act, and letting go of control is one of the hardest—and most rewarding—parts of the journey. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being present.
It’s about trusting your child, trusting yourself, and embracing the beautiful messiness of family life.
So, the next time you feel the urge to control, take a deep breath and remind yourself: This is an opportunity to let go, to trust, and to grow. You’ve got this.
A Little Wisdom to Carry With You
As we wrap up, I’ll leave you with this quote by Kahlil Gibran:
“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”
Let’s keep letting go, trusting, and loving—one step at a time.
What’s one small way you can let go of control today? Share your thoughts in the comments—I’d love to hear from you.
